I dont know how i feel anymore.
Sometimes i am so certain of myself, i feel like i have the strength in me to move mountains. Other times, i feel like there is so much weight on me that i can barely manage to squeeze air into my chest without hurting myself. Lately though, i feel more suffocated and panicked then i feel strong.
Someone once smiled at me and told me that there was a light in me, that shone so brightly that sometimes they felt that they needed shades to just look at me. They told me that there was enough light in me that i could travel the world touching everybody’s heart one at a time and in the end, still have enough left over to light the darkest night. I smiled, and believed them.
God i wish so much that i could believe those words right now.
It upsets me, i can honestly say that it does. I am someone who ususally prides herself on her ability to stand out, to hold her head high in the thickest storm and paint the silver lining on every cloud in sight. I am super positive, always smiling through the pain.
Lately it seems though, that i have way too much pain in me to be able to light up anything… even myself.
Ugh… but why?
The deep expressions that i usually express with my arms wide open to the world are now the ones that i have shielded myself from. Wrapping my arms protectively over my chest, i hide my heart from any feeling trying desperately to do nothing… feel nothing.
When did it happen, when did i go from living life wrecklessly for today to trying hard… with everything that i am just to make it to tomorrow? When did i give up living, for simply existing?
I consider myself untamed… a wild mustang running through the hills with no intention of being caught, slowing down, or being tamed by anyone. And i was looking for nothing. Just running, the way i wanted to run with not a single care for anything else around me.
Just me… selfish maybe, but so happy in it. Unresistable to the wild things in life that would search me out and make me a party to them.
I am so frustrated with myself.
I’ve allowed myself to be watered down, so that you can barely taste the intensity of me. Right now it is just a whisper, a ghost of the person i was before. And i feel so shameful because of it.
The mustang… was lassoed in, and now trots void of life inside the picket fencing that is keeping me from running free. Keeping me from moving mountains, making them my own.
I have to stop this… reverse the process or something.
I have to awaken the untameable mustang inside me and break out of this fenced in area, break out into the world that i was comfortable in. The world i had so effortlessly made into my own.
A world of color… that is where i came from.
And i have somehow let this picture of myself slowly be turned into a black and white photo… i have to stop it before all the color that is left in me sizzles out and i am left void… of all the color that kept me happy.
Before i am completely tamed!