Berakdown of the day…

Alright, so what better way to start the day off then work at 10:00 in the morning. Theoretically of course… i got to work at 11:00. Haha, yeah i woke up late and then did the whole ‘well i’m already late’ thing and ended up taking my time.

Usually when i take my time i like to reassess my life, my choices, and try to make sense of an extremely steamy dream about someone i am not sure i should be dreaming about. So as i dragged my ass around getting ready for my job, which i was already late getting to i started to think about all these things.

Like, if a guy has the most perfect personality ever, and he is such a great guy that when other girls are down talking him you stand up and tell them it isn’t cool, defending him and setting things straight, why is it that you will never even consider dating him? I mean you do the whole I wouldn’t want to ruin our relationship, and friendship thing; and then you think … he’s not my type. But when it comes down to you, aren’t you being just as shallow as those girls that you just yelled at?

does it make me a better person because i am his friend and stood up for him? Or does it make me a horrible person because i sing his praises and am too much of a bitch to see them myself… outside of the friend bubble?

Of course i am biased and want to believe that i have found everything i need in our friendship and am terrified of breaking the tight rope we walk on… so i am going to shrug the thought off and stick to that.

As for my life, i dont know where it is going, or if i am ever going to make something of myself. I want to go to school, try to make something of this existence i am living, but i wouldn’t even know where to start. And i dont want to start something i am not going to finish, which if i started for the wrong reason, that is exactly what i would end up doing. So the school thing is at a stand still…

As for my all too steamy dream that actually caused me to wake up sweat soaked and gasping for air… i dont know.

A couple months… weeks ago i would never even consider considering him. It is another one of the shallow parts of me that finds the flaw in every single thing i happen upon. But there it was, roaming around my subconscious as he held me up roughly to a wall…

It was so rough, hot, messy… blissful!

So my question that i kept asking myself, as i drifted in and out of thoughts as i rode the streetcar way late for work, was what came over me? Why was i all of a sudden picturing the most hot and heavy sexual fantasy about the two of us… about him? Was this a crush i was unaware of? Or was this just a one time occurrence?

I don’t know?

But i think this is definitely something i need to think more on… i hope no one minds if i think about this while i sleep… and maybe have another dream 😛

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