A Rather Distasteful Developement

I’ve been told, over and over again in my life, that I could be anything I wanted to be. Of course hard work and determination would be required; if I set my mind to it, I can be anything.
Lately though, I realize it’s not even close to being true.
I mean, let’s just think this through.
When I was a little girl my mother wanted me to be a ballerina, and as unique and stubborn as I was even at 8 years old, I wanted to be a Vampire much like Anne Rice’s Lestat.
And I worked hard to be the ballerina, because my mom wanted it so and it seemed to make her happy. But after I took down my ballerina bun, and shed my tutu I would close my eyes and be what I really truely wanted to be: a vampire. Even if only in my own mind.
Now as I’m grown I doubt if I worked towards it I would happen across a tranformation that would make me into the vampire the little girl in me longed to be. There’s just no reality to it.
Luckily, my wants seemed to change with age. I went from wanting desperately to be a vampire to wanting to be a writer. And I went from working hard to be a published author to wanting to be with someone just like the lovers I often wrote about. I went from ALMOST being with someone to wanting… To undo it all.
I remember when I was a little girl and the most precious moments I can recall, ones that never failed to make me grin from ear to ear, was when my father (who somehow still managed to be around) would smile at me and call me ‘His Angel’.
That’s what I was to him. I was his innocent little girl who had foolish dreams of being a vampire and would often cast her own wants and needs aside to make her friends and family feel better. I didn’t yet know what hurtin people was and when I learned of it, I was more then hesitant to try my luck at it.
And now?
I’ve gone from all that to living sinfully and wanting something different.
I want to be an ‘Angel’ again…
Everyone sins, I know that just like the next person. But me… I probably have my picture hung up in the Devil’s ‘Top 10 Sins of All Time’ hall. I actually don’t doubt it. But of course that hall would have to be deep moral sins of the soul.
Anyone can kill someone and earn themselves a place in the hot hell fire, but it takes a rather skillful sinner to sin so badly, hurt so many people, that even she can no longer stomach herself.
It’s a sin of the heart and soul.
A promise made from the heart to your soul is one that should never be broken. Because there is a bond in place so secure and strong that when you remove it, there is no way you will avoid tearing…
And it does. It tears at you pulling at important pieces of your heart and damaging you down to your very soul. It is like when you remove a band aid from your skin n it leaves a mark behind, only the mark you leave is far more permanent and hurts a lot more.
And that is why you should never risk breaking a promise so important.
I broke the promise.
The only one I’ve ever made to myself. The only one that when broken has managed to shake me down to my very core.
When I broke that promise it felt like everything I had ever been confused about cleared. But it wasn’t the calming clearing that comes, where the clouds part and the sun shines brightly through. It a differnt clear that still allows me to see things differently.
I started to paint the world gray.
My friends say I’m just being dramatic… The drama Queen that I always seem to be, but they can’t feel my heart sighing, and they don’t feel the emptiness and disappointment I do.
And they still have hope, harbouring beliefs that they can still be anything in the world they want to be.
A doctor, a lawyer, an actor… A lover, a mother. And most likely they will be those things they want to be ever so badly. But I don’t think there’s hope for me to ever be whatever I want to be.
I went from wanting to be a vampire to wanting to be a writer. And from working so hard to be a published author to wanting to be with someone just like the lovers I write about. Then from ALMOST being with someone to wanting desperately to undo it all.
And then wanting something so intensely I hurts. Because I never wanted anything like what I want to be right now; guilt free, the old innocent me, and an ‘Angel’ again… Somehow.

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