I know that i have pages dedicated to the men who have had an impact on me and my life. The main two, my best friend Matt, and the guy who i had been in love with; Khyl. I felt like i needed to explain to people, who for whatever reason decide to read my blog, why i am the way i am. Because when it comes down to it, who you are is based strongly on the things that influence you. And the two of them sure as hell made sure to leave a lasting impression.
I had told myself, as that little girl carving names on a tree, that i would love him forever. And on the page dedicated to Khyl, i had told stories of a person who i would love forever but i have started to see that things have changed.
It`s not that i don`t love Khyl anymore. It`s just that someone has recently come into my life that i hold up in my heart higher then i do him. I love him now as a friend… and if we dont rebuild that bridge that we had burnt down, i will love him as a memory… but he is not my forever.
In life, we tell ourselves that what we love, and what we want will last forever and you will love and want them forever. But i think the things that we love and want when we are young, and taking the first steps… wanting and loving for the first time are just that… the first footsteps. They are the ones you will remember, because they have brought you to the realization that things that happen to you and for you when you are young are trials and errors. What you love at 10 you will realize when you hit 20 that those things that you felt… they were magical at that age, but they are not nearly as intense as what you will feel now…
Now that you know things that you didn’t even think about learning back then.
And what i’ve learned is that Khyl was a mighty big adventure. One that, had i not had, i would not realize now how much of a gift i was given. And what love really is.
Love is being comfortable even at your most uncomfortable moment. Doing what that person wants you to do… something that until they said they wanted you to do it you never would have done, or wanted to do. But now, just to see that smile on their face, you crave doing it. It’s saying ‘i love you’ in the dark, not to be heard, but just because you feel like you are going to burst if you don’t say it.
Love… i didn’t really know what it was at 10, but i knew what i wanted it to be. And seeing that same person that i had thought i wanted so desperately for years… i built up a love of his friendship and an infatuation with the idea that we would be together. But love…. head over heels, free falling love… that wasnt what we had.
Do i know what love is now?
Maybe not, but i know that i am willing to find out what it is with the person i am with now. The person my heart is screaming for all the time, craving for… longing for. And the person who says he loves me back. I am willing to have another adventure… an even bigger adventure with him as we figure it out together.
My person… is not Khyl….
I am hoping that the one who loves me now will be my person… and replace everything i knew and everything we were with something much bigger. And already it feels BETTER. Because he has changed everything i thought i knew, and changed my idea of forever.