There’s a very good reason why i am the way i am.
A reason why i beat to my own drummer, always see the sky with a promise of rain and the clouds all perfectly decorated with a silver lining. A reason why i don’t think i need things like drugs to make me run a mile a minute, and why i can make almost any situation i am in or obstacle i encounter more fun then a day at the theme park. A series of events in my life have tailored me to be independent and thankful.
I knew from a very young age that days like this… smooth sailing and with a breathless feeling of joy… they are not promised. You can be so happy one day, with the feeling of wings on your back and love in your heart while someone you love more then the gift of life itself whispers sweet promises of forever in your ear, and then you turn around, for little less then a second to see that forever must have come and gone because that person isn’t there. And a world where good always wins, promises are always kept, and happy endings wait for everyone just doesn’t exist. So i made a promise to myself that every moment i had would be one that i lived for myself… making certain that it was always the way i liked it and lived in a way that would make me happy.
I am a glass half full kind of girl, because to look at it any other way would be too devastating for me.
This is the way the world has crafted me, the hand that i have been dealt was never a good one but i’ve played the hand better then i could have hoped for.
My head, always logically weird and raring to think up new ways to entertain and make me feel like somehow i am doing something that in the end i will look back and smile on, isn’t screwed on the right way. I think it must have been one day, back when… i don’t actually know when . But i know that at the beginning, before any pages in your book have been filled, every person’s head is screwed on right. They have unclouded hopes, and dreams that no matter how ridiculous seem attainable. And the pursuit of happiness isn’t a path through the middle of a battlefield, there is no gunfire to get there and it doesn’t seem like something that is so impossible.
I must have been like that once, but my head… now screwed on backwards… just can’t remember that time.
Now i wear my biggest smile, hoping that people wont see through it. It’s not that i am not happy, sometimes i am… sometimes (especially lately) i am so happy that i feel the constant flight of butterflies in my stomach, the burning blush on my cheeks, and a happiness that makes my heart beat double time; it’s just that inside that intense happiness there is the shadow of fear. A fear that has been built up over the years, established as i encounter the promise of happiness time and time again and watch it get ripped out of my grasp.
It’s all in my head… my head that has had to harbor these thoughts, these memories of people loving and leaving.
But inside my heart, i know what is right and i know what i feel.
Right now, i feel love. So strong it can knock me over, and so real that i would give up sleep because i have little need for dreams. My heart feels like it’s found something that it has looked for so long and hard, and now that its found it, there is nothing that could possibly keep it from feeling… from having this divine love. My heart keeps whispering to me, telling me that this is true love and it doesn’t happen every day.
And if i was a different person, in the state i was in the beginning before learning all the lessons of life, and if my head wasn’t there to get in the way i would so easily believe my heart. Know that the feelings that i feel are so rare nothing, no past failures and heartbreaks, should be able to stray my mind from what is clearly… REAL!
My heart believes him, when he tells me he loves me and that he always will forever. But my head calls to me, telling me that nothing is forever. Enjoy him now while he is here, but don’t give him your whole heart. Because nothing is so indecisive as people, and how strongly he loves you today may be how much he loathes you a month from now. Nothing lasts forever, and one day even forever itself will be over. So what’s so special about love?
I’ve fallen so fast and so hard for him that someone like me wishes for forever, and hopes to hold his hand tightly eighty years from now as i take my last breath… beside him. I can see myself happy with him… for him until the day i die. But what i see in my heart isn’t what will happen, no matter how much i want it.
I’ve closed my eyes and tried to shut out what my head tells me about forever. I’ve tried to see with nothing but my heart and be happy with him… and i am. I’m so unbelievably happy, but i just wish there was something… some way to know that this… us… was guaranteed.
Or that i could change and have my head screwed on right, instead of A Head Screwed On Backwards battling with A Heart Screwed On Right…