Alright, so most people who know me know of my very intense fear of hospitals and or medical facilities of most sort excluding maybe veterinary clinics. It could be caused by a great number of things, but the number one reason would have to be my extreme asthma as a child which caused me to spend most of my childhood inside a hospital room.
It is obviously enough to make most people antsy about having a hospital stay anytime soon. And usually for the most part my fear was just going to the hospital, wearing that paper dress, and having an IV in your arm or something. For me actually it was the whole oxygen mask over my face thing that caused me to feel quite claustrophobic.
It doesn’t help you feel any more comfortable about being in a hospital when you are six years old spending overnights at the hospital with an attending nurse that seemed like she was there more to torture and kill you that make your stay any more comfortable. As a kid, I couldn’t catch a break. She was pure evil in my eyes.
Which caused me to have nightmares about her when I wasn’t even at the hospital, nightmares that would panic me so much that I would have an asthma attack and have to be rushed to the very place that tormented my subconscious.
Shouldn’t the people tending to children, especially those who will have to stay the night there by themselves, be people who are all sunshines and rainbows? They should be super nice, all smiles, you know people who make your stay seem like it isn’t as bad as it seemed? And not someone who would give you the stare of death when you couldn’t go to sleep when she told you to, and seemed like at any given moment she was wishing to high heavens that she could beat you unconscious?
Any who, so as i grew up (i use that sentence very loosely of course) that fear of hospitals grew into something more irrational. I am now afraid of trips to the dentist, and just routine check ups as well. Which would not bother me so much if I wasn’t one of those people who so often got sick.
Being sick, especially when it is symptoms that don’t fit the common cold or flu, means that you will probably have to go to the doctor’s office or a walk in clinic to check up on the peculiar symptoms so that you can have a diagnosis of your sickness. It is something that will give you both peace of mind, and help you better treat yourself. Of course it is impossible for me to get to that stage because I either need someone to accompany me to ensure that I actually go and stay long enough to get checked up, or I will just tell myself ‘I can go tomorrow’.
So lately I have been having certain symptoms that have me fearing that I may have something that will need tending to by a professional, but this deep rooted fear prevents me from doing so. My Irrational fear is keeping me from doing what in my mind I know would be the rational thing to do. If you think you have something that will effect your health in the long run, you should see your doctor, its only rational.
Tell that to my subconscious!
I’ll get up, get dressed and tell myself that i need, need, NEED to go to the doctors and force myself out the door, get all the way to the elevators and then tell myself ‘You know, I do have to go to the doctors but Thunder and Toby really need to be walked, so I will do that first.’ go all the way back to my apartment and walk the dogs instead. And this will be the day of course where I take them on a very scenic walk that lasts hours and hours and before I know it, it is after 4.
No doctors for me today.
It’s silly how you can sit there and tell yourself that you are behaving rather silly, being completely irrational and just shrug. I know I am being silly, I know that this is something I have to do, yet something inside me doesn’t care. They care more about this fear then doing what I know I have to do.
They cast away what is rational to make way for something irrational.
Is there no way to clean out the subconscious to rid yourself of what you know is irrational to make way for all the things rational and sane? No way to push aside the irrational fears that prevent you from doing what’s rational to make way for rational thinking that ignores those fears simply because it is the rational thing to do?
If only it were that easy.