Breathless, in a complete state of euphoria as I struggle silently.
A hand to my chest as I look at him, knowing that he is completely mine yet… terrified. Afraid that no matter how tightly I hold on to him, how happy I am, it will never be enough.
A sad thought; from a girl who seemed to be born into a world of sadness. She knows not happiness, knows nothing of true love in a relationship that can truly withstand the sands of time because she has never seen it. And so because of the world she was born into, she struggles with love, untrusting of the happiness it brings and fearful.
Had the world been fair, she would be a hopeless romantic, wanting a love that she had only heard about and never wanting to make the same mistakes her parents had made. Had the world been fair… but everyone knows life is anything but.
And so as she stares at the man she reluctantly allowed herself to love, she stood breathless, unsure.
She loved him with all of herself, she knew that now, but she knew the dangers of loving someone so much. It was dangerous business, to give away her whole heart. With all of it gone, in someone else’s hands, there was no telling what shape you would get it back, if you even managed to get the whole of it back in the end. And it always ended, didn’t it?
She couldn’t be sure, but she knew that she had never seen it last.
And after giving all of herself to him, loving him more then she had ever managed to love anything in the whole of her life… even herself, meeting his parents and just by luck loving them too, she wondered if ever she would be able to recover if things went sour.
There was no way, she loved him as the stars loved the moon. Wished for his happiness before she even thought of her own, and longed for him when he was gone for her for even the smallest amount of time. He was her air that fuelled her existence, kept her going, and after he stepped into her life and whispered ‘I love you‘ something she hadn’t expected to hear from anyone in all her life that hadn’t been a relative, he managed to become her everything!
Sitting on the couch on an average day, she looked at him laughing at the television. Her heart seemed to rejoice in his laughter, she would gladly give up her laughter if she could be promised to hear his for the rest of her life… and to be his the rest of her life. How she loved him! As the thought of how much she loved him seemed to fill her, she caught herself pausing and looking away.
Dangerous business, she knew. But she couldn’t help herself.
It became ever so easy for her to curse her parents, curse the absence of love in her childhood. Curse the distrust it distilled in her… the inability to love anyone fully without distrusts and hesitation.
Suddenly, i was breathless as I sat next to the man I love and struggled silently. Wishing I could tell him everything, and nothing at the same time.
I was near tears with my love for him, and with fighting not to be…
If life was fair…