There is a time in everyone’s life, a time when you are at your complete worse and your mind and life is in shambles, where a fog lifts from your eyes and you can finally see clearly. It is then that you realize that all your wants and your dreams, all your haves and have nots, were not real. Because your whole life you have been walking around with blinders on, believing one thing when in fact, something else entirely is true.
All that you are, and all that you have been is… an illusion. A shadow of the you that you will be, an incomplete sketch, have you, that needed to exist so that when this moment of clarity hits you, you will be standing or sitting in the exact spot that you are when it happens. Because had it not been, the you that you need to be, that has been growing inside of you all this time, may never be.
All the childish things you once thought so grown up are not gone, but now known to you as the childish things that they are. And your plans of the fancy life, the husband with loads of money, the bachelor life always without the crowd of the children that bare so much resemblance to you, seem so ridiculous.
Because why would you want a life so fancy, that you look down on the people who are trying to be just as glamourous as you are with distain? Why would you want a life where everything you’ve wanted you have, and there is nothing left in life to work towards? All that would be left then is just you existing, wasting space as you block the way of others who could be blossoming into people far better then you.
The husband with loads of money? It turns out the same man that you wanted, rich with his fine suits and fancy dining who would treat you to anything you want is an arrogant man. Cocky beyond belief with a god complex. And an adulterer. Why he has far too much money to spend on one woman alone. Why not a lover, a mistress, several common whores you can find in any cheap bar looking for a night’s ride.
And the bachelor life, never crowded with children?
Why would you want that?
You are a unique person in your own eyes, someone who stands out and begs for recognition. Beautiful, artistic, and an idealist. Everyone loves you, and no one wants to be overlooked by someone with such a charismatic personality. You walk with your head high to a soundtrack of your own choosing, and you can do this until the day you die.
And when you die, you take all of that with you. And all that sass, all that spunk, and the smile that people just couldn’t get out of their heads becomes forgotten. Because you never bothered to leave anything behind. No daughter with your eyes, and the same snapping wit. No sun with your amazing pitching arm. No daughter with your sensibility and your creative mind. No grandchildren with the same genes that have the hopes of passing those great traits on to another.
No anything, because when you die, all that you are dies with you. Those footprints you thought you had left in the sand are washed away, with no one to walk over them and continue your path.
Selfishness is now gone, as i sit here and think about one day just… disappearing. Not a single piece of me left behind to make a slight influence on the world.
I may have wanted a fancy life, with a rich husband, and a bachelor life never crowded with children, but that was the unfinished sketch of me. A sketch that has not completely been erased, but has been built upon. There was some shading added, some colour, and I may have captured the look in my eyes just right, and as time goes on the version of me now will be constantly upgraded.
Changed and morphed into someone who cares nothing for a fancy life, but instead just wants a happy one. Knows that the amount of money my husband makes doesn’t matter, as long as his love always matches mine as it grows each day. And a bachelor life without children, is like writing a story with the ending half way through. Because sometimes you need someone else to help finish your stories, and sometimes you need someone else’s dreams to come into play so you see the importance of yours.
You need to wait for the fog to completely lift, so that you can say goodbye to old ways, and give yourself hope for a new beginning.