Waiting In Anger

In anger we wait; so consumed by our stubborn pride that we refuse to pause, to yield to the heart’s wants. A pity, since the wants of the heart remain still so pure, purest still when the eyes go red and the mind stays behind the clouds of our angers.

And for what?

In a test of the hearts, or a test of the wills? What if the road we took was one of constant smiles? If instead of the battles we wage on one another when our heads are hot and our hearts are heavy we settled the pain we’ve caused with a warm caress, a knowing look, a kiss of understanding and bliss?

Too often we forget the gifts given, too often we take advantage of something so precious, so magical that all write about it, watch it with a hand clasped ever so tightly over their hearts, and lay awake at night in breathless sighs longing for it. A love like ours… priceless and so delicate.

A love to cherish and care for, especially when the arms are up and the battlefield between us is set ablaze. It is as we stand toe to toe with guns raised that we must see the destructive path we take. Guns cocked and hearts ever so slowly breaking, we must take the time to look up long enough to see who and what stands before us.

It is only then with eyes that are clear of the hot red of our angers and frustrations can we truly see the blessing.

More often then not, I don’t wait for that smoke to clear. Instead I wait in anger with weapons out for a flag, a sign of your surrender. And when no flag is seen, I wait instead for my clear shot. A shot to your heart, a heart undeserving. So blind I am, ever so blind.

I pray God closes his eyes often in ponder, for nothing but shame fills me as I imagine him looking down at two such as us, so gifted in love, as we maliciously bare arms against each other. How his heart must break to see us behaving so.

How my heart breaks to know I do these things so often, and to feel the outcome of my actions so shortly after and for so long a time.

A disgraceful sight, the two of us bloodied and broken, chests out and heads held so high as we refuse to yield to each other. As if to yield would be to admit a defeat neither of us could stomach. But tell me what is love if not to yield to the one you love? To wave your flag of surrender and completely yield to them?

We dance the tango of fools, pushing each other about as we fight for the lead.

And what of me? I wait in anger.

And as I wait, as I always do, time passes in strides and I pass that time in thought. In memories of a love that leaves a girl unexplainably breathless, of a fairytale-like love that shakes me down to my very core.

And as anger begins to free me, slipping away to the darkness it rose from, it is replaced by nothing but sadness as the thought of a loss so great haunts me.

Only a fool would wait here, in this anger I’ve created so carelessly and without merit. Could it be I am a fool of immeasurable proportions? A fool so ignorant as to let God watch her behave as a selfish infant throwing about a toy so priceless and special? A fool who would have this great gift of love taken from her for her misdeeds, a stupid girl who waited and wasted time… and love in anger?

I’m no fool, or perhaps I’m a fool no more.

I can see now the error of my ways, the crime of a love not cherished, not nurtured, and not appreciated. And I’ve not seen the one man who opened those doors, opened my eyes and showed me love. I was standing looking out at a world I couldn’t see, because I’ve had my back to it, ran at it with claws out and whipped at it with vicious words. I see now the world I’ve been looking for… in him.

And so my flag is up, I am surrendering as I lay down my weapons and yield to the one and only man I have ever loved. I vow to loose a thousand fights, forfeit a million wars so that I can keep with me a love so treasured.

Now I wait no more in anger. I’ll be no longer consumed by my stubborn pride that I refuse to pause and yield to the wants of my heart. For those wants are now heard and I know what I want. I want as every person wants at one point in their lives, I want the world. And I see the world in the one I love.

He is the world to me.

Advertisements

One thought on “Waiting In Anger

  1. Is the He you referring to God?

    I don’t know what direction I should go in with my comment: patience or anger. Hence, “Waiting In Anger.” So, I’ll say mastering emotions should be your foundation and patience in all things should be your shield.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s