“Come to me.”
I whisper the words with the memory of fear, though it’s absent now. The memory is faint, disappearing with time, more and more each day.
The darkness hears my call, it opens it’s arms to me in a cloak of black and a face i’ve no right to see… yet. But soon it will reveal itself to me, once I walk into those arms held open.
“Come to me.” It replies.
A yearning in my heart throws out an anchor, the other end tethered around my heart. I hope the anchor will sink it’s way into the darkness of his cloak, into the thickness of the air and the promise of nothingness.
I have seen him so many times before, times that I have pushed away and forced myself to forget. Times I have thought about against my will when time seems to stop and he threatens to come for me. My heart would race at his memory, my palms would sweat and my life would seem so cherished.
Now the fear is gone, and I open my arms to him in the dark of the night.
The moon seems high in the sky and the grass dewy beneath my feet as I take slow and steady strides. He waits, as he always has for me. He’s no reason to meet me, he knows without doubt that I am coming to meet him. It’s time for me, time for our game of cat and mouse to end and for me to stop running.
He’s a mass of darkness, partly hidden from me. Yet I know where he is, I’ve known where he was all along, if only I had been brave enough to look.
“Come to me.” His voice is thick, husky. It reminds me of the way my heart beats, when I am calm and can hear it pulsing in my ears, slow and steady.
Closing my eyes, I stop for a moment.
Thought of my life seem to circle and surround me. I remember my first friendship, she was my sister and I thought we would be friends forever. I remember how my heart broke when I realized that wasn’t true, and how that crack in my heart was fixed when we grew old enough to appreciate the friendship we once had. I remember the way I curled my nose up at the idea of a little brother, and then another one, and then another one. I remember the proud feeling I got when they all arrived. I remember that fading and being replaced with gentle annoyance. I remember being afraid, and that fear never going anywhere by simply fading into the background. I remember the time my heart first jumped in my chest when I saw a boy I was sure I loved. I remember the first time I ventured out on my own. I remember the last day my father lived with us, and how we said goodbye as though I would see him every day. I remember the day I realized I wouldn’t. I remember the last time my mom hugged me and really held on, like she was afraid I would slip away. I remember the first time I had sex, and the nerves that seemed to be built up with nowhere to go, and when I found out where those nerves would go. I remembered my first ‘I love you’ that wasn’t someone I was related to. I remembered falling asleep next to him only the night before.
All my memories seemed to wrap themselves around me; the good and the bad mixing together like ingredients for the perfect recipe.
It was warm there, inside me memories. They seemed to push out the cold air of the night, the bone nipping chill that surrounded the shadows where he waited for me.
I closed my eyes and let them rush over me, like waves that took turns completely burying me for moments.
They whispered to me too; “Stay with me.”
They were familiar, and it was easy for my knees to buckle slightly as they lit up the night around me like precious fireflies, leading me to where I was supposed to be. I faltered for a moment, following them through the night, their glow lighting up my eyes with a wonder I had almost forgotten.
The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end as I turned back to him.
He whispered, “Come to me.”
Staring at my memories, I wondered what others my life would make for me. There were so many possibilities…
“Come to me.”
Swallowing hard, I turned towards the shadows.
They had been calling to me for so long, and they would continue to call to me. They called to me tonight, they would tomorrow, and every night after that. They would whisper to me during the day, and I would do my best to push them back into the dark corners of my mind, and they would stay there, for awhile.
A while was never long, and it wasn’t as long as it used to be.
“Come to me.” He whispered. His dark arms were so inviting. I could see myself there, fitting between them so comfortably. In a way I never seemed to fit anywhere else.
My feet stumbled over one another as I moved closer, and closer.
I could feel the chill of him, his hands so close I need only a single step to close the distance between us.
“Come to me.” He whispered.
My lips quivered for a single moment before I stepped into the darkness. “Okay.”