I would be lying if I told you the thought slowly crept into my head. It had been there for years. At first it had been a whisper, over the years it had become a shout, one that was louder than my own voice at times.
This morning it had been overwhelming. Rolling out of bed, I looked at the same clock I had been looking at for years. I watched as the minutes passed, sitting there and waiting until 7:00am when the alarm would sound.
Why did I do that? Why didn’t I just turn it off when I woke up at 6:47am every morning?
Sighing, I got to my feet and picked up my cellphone.
Tapping on my best friend’s Ruby’s phone number and opened up the messages. Hey, can you come over this morning; I want to talk to you about something.
The three dots appeared almost instantly. Hey Mal. C U @ 8:30?
Letting out another long sigh, I walked into the bathroom and got into the shower. My mind wandered as the water poured over me. I kept thinking about how I would phrase our conversation, what words would make things easiest for her to comprehend what I was going to tell her today.
The hour and a half before Ruby came over flew by. Before I knew it I had two cups of coffee on my small kitchen table and was sitting across from her.
Ruby was beautiful; she was the kind of girl who caught everyone’s eye. On top of that, she was also one of the nicest people I had ever known. Taking in a deep breath, I figured I should just start talking and hope for the best. “Hey Ruby?”
Sipping her coffee, she smiled at me over the rim. Her brown eyes warm and inviting, urging me to tell her anything I had to say. “Yes.”
“Have you ever thought about killing yourself? Not like in the way people do when they want to avoid doing annoying things, or difficult situations, but genuinely thought about it?”
Her brow furrowed. “No.”
Before she could say anything else, I continued. “Well, I think about that every day. Every single day, constantly for about the last ten years.”
“You think about killing yourself every day? For ten years?” Her words were halted as she tried to figure out what to say, her mind still trying to wrap itself around the words. “You’ve thought about killing yourself every day since you were eleven years old?”
The words should sound strange in the air. They should be the jab I needed to wake myself up, pull myself out of the shadows of my mind and realize I could push through. They didn’t though. All they did was remind me why I was here, sitting across from Ruby.
Sipping my coffee, I waited. I could tell she had something on her mind, something weighing on her chest that she needed to say. She was important to me; she was all I had, which was why I had invited her over. I owed her an explanation for what would come next.
When she said nothing, I continued. “The world is a crazy place. It’s filled with people driven by hate, by greed, people who wallow in their own dark thoughts until they are pushed to act. And I have decided I no longer want to be a part of it.”
Eyes wide, Ruby looked at me. “What? What does that mean?”
Taking a deep breath, I said the words I knew I needed to tell her. “I am going to kill myself.”