A Cruel Game Of Pretend

I’m Just Pieces

Agatha’s Breath

She felt her breath on the back of her neck, hot and wet in the darkest moment of the night.

It made every hair on het body stand on end, caused her eyes to whip open as her shoulders shot up to take company next to her ears. The steady noise of silence that often accompanied the night was a symphony all around het as she lay there, waiting.

She told herself if she could wait there for a moment, then a moment more, a moment still after that, she could forget just how many moments stood between her and the first light of morning. Just a moment more, waiting with her eyes forward, pretending her heart wasn’t racing and she couldn’t feel the hot, wet breath on the back of her neck.

It blew the hair forward across her cheek with each raggedy breath. Caused her heart to lurch up into her throat, making each quick breath a struggle. She couldn’t tell if her eyes were wide or not, it was difficult to tell with the tears welling up there, fogging her vision and spilling out of the corner of her eyes to pool on her ear resting against her pillow.

The terror was so familiar, in a way, it felt more like home than anything else she had ever known. She wondered, lying there in the dark, if anyone else knew terror the way she did.

Another breath.

Another jolt of fear that wrapped around her throat like a noose.

Was this to be her nights now? Plagued by this sickness that had so fully filled the depths inside her mother and her mother’s mother? Her sanity withering away night after night until there was nothing left of her there.

Another breath.

Her lips quivered as she slowly parted them. There were words there, trapped in her throat begging to be let out. If she could force them out, if she could set them free into the darkness perhaps-

Perhaps what? She wondered.

“Aren’t you going to look at me?” Her voice was a surprise she hadn’t prepared for. Her heart stopped, her body paralyzed as nothing but fear coursed through her veins.

“No.” The word could barely escape her lips in the dark, terror holding all her words captive deep in her throat. “No.”

“Look at me.”

Swallowing hard, she slowly lifted her hands to cover her ears. “No.”

Another breath.

She could try to shield her ears from her ragged voice, but they would stop that hot breath from burning the back of her neck.

Just another moment. She just had to make it another moment.

Reaching a shaking hand down, she grabbed the sheet from around her waist and pulled it up over her head. Under the protective cover of the sheet, a whimper jumped out of her throat, letting loose a sob as she wrapped her arms around herself.

Just another moment, she reminded herself as she took a deep breath.

Her hairs stood once again on end as the sheet slowly inched down over her. Clenching her eyes closed, she told herself none of this was real. Even when she felt the lightness of the sheet, that suddenly felt as heavy as cinderblocks, fall completely away, no doubt a hapless pile on the floor on the foot of her bed, she told herself none of this was real.

It couldn’t be.

Another breath.

Moments

All that we are can be broken down into single moments.

What we were, what we want to be, what we will become. Moments are the steps towards our dreams; whether we get to grasp them between our tightly clasped fingers or whether we watch them slip away. It’s all in the moments.

Usually the collection of our moments, the ones that shaped and carved us into who were are right now are filed away in the back of our minds. Not forgotten, yet dusty and not really remembered.

Sometimes Sparrow likes to pick through the moments of her life as though she were searching through old boxes in the attic. She like to sort through them, separating them into two piles.

In one pile were all the moments that seemed to sparkle. Moments where she smiles a little too big, laughed a little too loud. Moments where she was taken by surprise in a way that made her heart skip and beat and warmth to spread through her. Moments where she thought this feels a lot like happiness.

Those types of moments were ones she held in her hands a little too long while she sorted through them, like dusty photos found in the boxes that brought her back to a time when her heart was full and her life was promising.

The other pile was full of broken moments. Moments when she was scared, moments when she had cried and felt defeated. Moments that chipped away at the person she was leaving her no choice but to try to rebuild or crumble away into nothing.

Those moments she pushed back into the shadows of her mind, barely glimpsing at them and hoping one day to put them in a box that would be brought down from the attic of her mind and left on the curb where they would be picked up and discarded.

She had spent most of her day walking around Manhattan. More the tourist than she would like to admit, she tried to forget about her troubles; Jake, Harrison, and Rachel, and take in the sights of the city. As she walked, she sorted.

She tried to look for the happiest moments she could find and hold onto them. It made her feel a little less anxious about being here. A little less overwhelmed with the idea of run ins with the people from her past.

Reaching down, she absentmindedly wiped at the front of her faded blue jeans that were ripped at the knees. She tapped the toe of her red sneaker wedges as she paused on a corner and pulled out her cellphone, opening her map app. She wanted to start making her way back to the apartment so she could shower before getting dressed to go out for dinner. Vincent wanted to discuss going away for a weekend. Somewhere they could lie on a beach, being served all day and decompress.

The idea was enticing, but Sparrow wasn’t sure running away was the best answer. She knew he was only offering because he felt guilty about her being caught up in Harrison’s life. Especially when he knew that was why she had been so hesitant about coming to visit in the first place.

Her phone vibrated, pulling her out of her app as Jake’s name came onto the centre of the screen. She hit the ignore button.

Turning, she slammed into someone.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was going. I was distracted and I-“ She pushed away from the broad chest she had collided with to look up at the person she was apologizing to. All her words disappeared as she stared up at Harrison King. “What are the chances?” She sighed, shoving the strap of her purse onto her shoulder.

Harrison looked just as flustered. He was wearing a white Henley shirt with the buttons undone and a worn in pair of blue jeans. Standing there, he looked more like the Harrison from her past than he had since she’d first seen him. “Sorry.” He said.

Sparrow walked around him. “That’s okay.” Her voice was flat as she opened the nearest door to her and walked into the coffee shop. She was hoping he would see her retreat for what it was and continue on his way.

When he followed her in she immediately regretted her decision. Now she was in a small coffee shop with him. Moving to stand in line, she kept her face forward as she busied herself reading the menu.

“I thought you went back to Toronto.” Harrison moved to stand behind her.

She rolled her eyes. “Are you keeping tabs on me?” Annoyance shot through her.

“No. I stopped by your hotel to talk to you and they told me you checked out and headed to the airport.”

Sparrow wondered how much pressing he had to do for them to tell him that. “I did. Now I’m back.”

They stood in silence waiting for the painfully slow line to move. She wished they would just order a coffee and love to the side so she could do the same and run out of here. Here heart was beating so hard in her chest she felt like it may crack a rib. She let out a slow, stray breath, reminding herself to be calm.

“I am sorry about that whole scene in your room the other day.” He said.

Sparrow was surprised by the apology. “When you showed up and your fiancé followed or later when she showed up on her own?”

“Rachel showed up at your hotel room?” Surprise had his raising his voice for a moment before he dropped it back to the casual tone they had been using.

“Yes. She wanted to talk.”

He didn’t say anything, processing silently. It had all seemed like surreal timing to him. He had been hesitant about starting a relationship with Rachel in the first place. His mother had sung her praises and practically printed out a resume for her and after brushing it all off for months, he finally agreed. After dating her for six months, his mother had started planning a wedding and pestering him to start talking marriage… family. He had thought about it every day, wondered if the feelings he had in the pit of his stomach was about Rachel in particular or about the commitment as a whole. Then Sparrow showed up.

If he believed in things like that, he would say it were fate.

The only woman who had ever held onto his heart, was here, in his life once more.

His father would stare daggers through him if he knew he were here, he had just come back from an icy meeting with him. Knew his father’s plans weren’t to push them back together because he told him he wanted them to stay apart.

And Rachel was pestering Sparrow. It’s no wonder she took off, leaving the hotel.

He mentally kicked himself for causing her all this trouble. “Either way, I am sorry.”

His apology was something Sparrow hadn’t expected. She seemed to constantly be caught by surprise. “I don’t know why you are apologizing.”

Moving a step closer to her, he dropped his head so their conversation couldn’t be heard as clearly. “I just told you. I am sorry because-”

Sparrow shook her head. “I know what you are apologizing for. I just don’t know why you are apologizing. The way we left things ten years ago, I was under the impression that was a bridge burnt. Apologizing is something someone would do if they wanted to repair something. We have nothing left to repair…” She turned and looked at him for a moment. “What we had is gone.”

As the last person in front of her walked away with her coffee, she ordered a large black coffee, something easy, so she could be done with this place and quickly make her way back to the apartment. Before she could pay, Harrison stepped forward and put some money in the barista’s hand. She paused to look at him for a few moments, a blushing grin on her face.

Rolling her eyes, Sparrow took the coffee and walked out.

“Sparrow.”

Her legs wanted to jump alive and flee, but instead she stopped to turn and face him.

“I went to see my father today. I had intended to have a conversation with him about a few things, but things between us lately have been… strained.” Pain flashed across his face as he pushed the word out. Clearing his throat, he continued. “I was a bit distracted and didn’t get a chance to discuss what I had sought him out for. My mother is coming.”

Sparrow’s eyes widened. Opening her coffee, she took a large gulp and tried not to wince as the hot fluid slightly burned her tongue. “Meredith is coming here?”

Harrison nodded. “If you could warn him, I don’t want him caught off guard.”

Her brow furrowed. “Really? Based on your actions I would say you love catching people off guard.”

“I deserve that.” He let out a long sigh. “We aren’t kids anymore, Sparrow. I am not a kid anymore.”

“Yeah. Well… neither am I.” And she wouldn’t be so foolish as she was back when they were kids.

No Nest For Harrison

When Sparrow was sixteen she had acne.

She wasn’t a shallow person and wasn’t the type of girl who over obsessed about her looks but when puberty started throwing her hormones into hyper drive and she acne appeared along her hairline and forehead, her self esteem did begin to waver.

Her solution was bangs and no one was ever the wiser.

Except Harrison.

When they were at home, she would pile her hair on the top of her head, clip her bangs back and slather a combination of acne medications on while they sat back and watched TV or did their homework. Every so often, she would reach up and pick at her hairline.

Harrison would often reach out and take her hand. She didn’t even realize she was picking at her face until Harrison had to make her stop. She would smile lightly and continue what she was doing until her mind would go back on auto pilot, and her hands would go up once more.

Later, when the scabs has been picked one too many times and a faint brown scar was left in its place she would let out a dramatic groan and go on a rant about the disfigurement she was enduring all because of puberty. Harrison would laugh and tell her the solution was simple: stop picking at her face.

He couldn’t understand what was so difficult about it.

Walking through his father’s office, he watched as the receptionist’s head turned, her mouth going slack for a moment as she forgot about the call she was on. It had been a while since he had come to his father’s office, and the surprise was evident on her face as he smiled at her and walked through the double wooden doors without pausing.

Now, he understood Sparrow’s struggle.

Over the past ten years she had always been there, in his mind. He had tried to push their memories away, forget about her and move on, but the moment he felt himself relax, his mind brought her right back.

Like he was reaching up absentmindedly and picking at the acne scars along his hairline.

Vincent’s high back brown leather chair was turned away from the door as he spoke on the phone, looking out the window. His voice was light, carefree. It wasn’t his usual business tone. “I was thinking just for the weekend. It could be fun. We can get away from all the stress of late and let the dust settle.” He laughed.
As though sensing Harrison’s presence, he slowly turned his chair around. The humor on his face melted away as he cleared his throat. “Well you think about it and we can further discuss it later. Yes. I have to go now.” He hung up the phone.

It was clear to Harrison that his father had been talking to Sparrow. The smile and look on his face had been reserved only for her… and up until a little while ago, him.

He had gone to her hotel in hopes of talking to her, but the front desk had told him she had checked out and had bought a ticket to Toronto. He figured constantly being bombarded by her past had finally caused her to retreat.

Knowing that caused a battle of emotions to ensue inside him.
Pushing his hands into his pockets, Harrison crossed his father’s large office to stand in front of his desk. “What exactly are you playing at, dad?”

Vincent leaned back in his chair, his eyes roaming over his son. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Ten years and suddenly Sparrow is back in our lives? Just around the time mom starts pushing for an engagement between Rachel and I… who I can tell you don’t care for.”

Laughing, Vincent’s eyes slightly darkened. Despite the light smile
on his face, Harrison knew there was a pinch of anger under the mask he was wearing. He wondered where it was pointed. Was t because their relationship had widdled down to this? Was it because of the relationship he had with Rachel, one his father had never approved of? Or was it Meredith King and her role in their lives?
Vincent stayed seated, letting the laughter slowly die away.

All Harrison could do was wait.

“It’s evident you’ve even spending an abundance of time with your mother. Look how self involved you’ve become.” Vincent let out a breath, a mixture of disappointment and sadness escaped his chest. “Firstly, Sparrow and I continued our relationship for five years after the two of you fell out of ways. She told me she needed some time away from the Kings and I obliged not realizing how much time she would take. Secondly, I love Sparrow like a daughter and those five years away from her were devastating. I would do anything in my power to get her back in my life, turns out all it really took after all this time was a letter. Thirdly, I knew very little of your relationship with this Rachel woman. You went to spend some time with your mother six months ago and I’ve scarcely heard from you since then. I had of course heard your mother had set you up with and eligible bachelorette and that was really all I needed to know for me to decide this relationship is wrong and can’t be healthy for you. But you are a grown man Harrison, capable of making your own decisions and mistakes. If you wish for Rachel to be one of your mistakes then power to you. I’ve stopped hoping my opinion on this would become of worth to you.”

His father’s sudden alienated, business tone caught Harrison off guard. This was probably the first time in his entire life that his father had spoken to him as though he were someone else… not his son.

The reason for his visit was suddenly erased from his mind as he looked at his father’s harsh gaze.

Their relationship had always been light, it had always been full of love and acceptance. Now, it seemed suddenly harsh and judgmental. The love was still there, it would always be, but he had damaged something between him and his father, he suddenly realized, just as he had between him and Sparrow all those years ago.

“I hadn’t meant to stay in Paris so long.” He regretted the sentence as soon as it came out of his mouth. It as a sorry excuse for him disappearing, for the sudden drop in phone calls and contact between them. “I got… overwhelmed.” He suddenly felt like he was just a little boy again who didn’t know what to do and was waiting for his father’s guidance.

“That tends to happen when you surrender the reigns of your life over to Meredith King.” After all these years, Vincent’s demeanor towards his wife was icy at best. “As I’ve said, you’re your own man, Harrison. You can do as you please.” He paused for a moment. “However, I do think it’s best that whatever you decide, you should keep your distance from Sparrow. If you truly believe she is only here to complicate things in your life, then staying away from her would only help you resume your course. All these unscheduled visits from Rachel and yourself… this wasn’t what I brought her here for. It’s not fair to her.”

Harrison did agree about that. Nodding curtly, he turned and walked towards the door. “Agreed.”

Vincent was left there staring at the door.

Regret coursed through him.

He had been hard on Harrison, something he had never done before. Seeing little pieces of Meredith suddenly mixed in with who Harrison was now had caused an angry ball of rage to rise up in his chest. He had worked so hard to ensure Harrison would become a good man, not the kind of man Meredith wanted him to be. One obsessed with money and worth and little else.

Harrison was thirty years old and if he couldn’t stand against Meredith and her schemes now, he never would. Vincent had to take a step back and give him room to do just that.

We Are Butterflies

Are we not all butterflies?

The question repeated itself over and over and over again in her head. Like the drone of melodic elevator music, something you could hear but your brain refuses to completely pay attention to. The question was there on loop, the only line on a massive record that turned round and round with no end.

When she was a very little girl she had sat in front of the mirror in her bedroom. Her Pyjamas were old and worn a few buttons were missing at the bottom of her top so it didn’t close all the way and the smooth skin of her belly was slightly exposed as she sat there. The bottoms of her pants were frayed slightly at the back from a time when they were too big and had dragged behind her on the floor. Now they were too small, exposing the thin, knobby bones of her ankles when she stood.

Staring at herself, she tried to ignore the sounds of banging and breaking outside her room. It was as though her world outside of this room was crumbling and all she could do was wait until it calmed enough for her to go out and assess the ruin.

Reaching her small hand out, she touched her finger to the glass, tracing the outline of her face. She ignored the wafting scent of whiskey and regret that seemed to always be present in their small townhouse, and tried for a moment to imagine the scent of fresh plants and blooming flowers as she inches along the length of a branch, so high up nothing could touch her.

She was still a caterpillar.

Her parents too, were caterpillars.

That thought had been a comforting embrace to her. If they were still caterpillars, that meant that eventually they would become butterflies. When they were butterflies, they would be better.

As chaos raged outside her room, she climbed into bed and closed her eyes, dreaming of the day they would all become butterflies.

Her childhood was held steady by the promise of a world filled with butterflies.

As a woman, she had abandoned the dream that everyone transformed into this beautiful thing. Leaving what was ugly about them behind in a cocoon as they became all they could be.

Sometimes she still thought of people as caterpillars though.

Meredith was an arrogant caterpillar. She was colourful, and beautiful but she was venomous and refused to believe there was anything better than what she was. Rachel seemed to be the same as her. Jake was also a caterpillar.

If there was someone in her life that she could believe without any doubt was a butterfly, it was Vincent. He seemed to be the best version of himself. He was as beautiful as he could possibly be, she couldn’t imagine growing into something more wonderful.

She only wished she felt like she was even close to becoming a butterfly.

She was twenty-nine years old. She had just broken up with a guy who had been the only serious relationship she had in her life. She had practically fled from Toronto to live in New York so she could spend time with the only person who seemed like they wanted anything to do with her; Vincent King.

Walking through the middle of Central Park, she watched all the people hurry along. Walking over to the grass, she lied down on her back and looked up at the sky, her arm folded under her head.

Closing her eyes for a moment, she let her mind slip away from her, floating up towards the clouds above.

There was a bit of a chill in the air, one that most people would have thought was refreshing after the scorching afternoon they had. The smell of promise floated through the air, it made goosebumps cover her flesh with happy anticipation.

It was going to rain soon.

Sparrow smiled, looking around the grassy field of the school yard. It was just after nine o’clock, so it had been hours since any of the kids that went here were in this school yard. Sitting down on the grass, she leaned back, supporting her weight on her arms as she waited.

“Sparrow.”

Turning to look behind her, she watched as Harrison walked towards her. His stride was slow, his eyes glued to her.

Puberty was changing them both, she noted. Harrison’s shoulders had broadened, his chest had seemed more toned, just like his arms that she could see now coming out of the sleeves of his t-shirt. His thighs seemed to fill out the legs of his slim cut jeans.

Dropping down to sit next to her, he threw his arm over her shoulder and pulled her into him. “Have you been waiting long?”

Leaning into him, she burrowed her cheek into his chest and let out a long sigh. “Not long at all.”

They sat there for a long while in silence, just enjoying one another’s company. Harrison’s body heat seemed to combat the chill in the air. Tilting her head up, she looked up at the greying sky. “It’s going to rain. Do you want to head home?”

Slowly shaking his head, he let out another sigh. “No, let’s stay awhile.”

Meredith was visiting them again. The tension in their apartment was almost unbearable. The forced smiles and division between everyone was beginning to take their toll on them.

Vincent was using himself as a shield to protect Sparrow from Meredith’s talons, Meredith was trying to pull Harrison away from Sparrow and Vincent and Harrison was just trying to keep the peace. The stress was mounting and adding that to the puberty the both of them were already going through made her feel like she was close to pulling her hair out.

“This is nice.” She wrapped her arm around his waist.

Thunder boomed overhead. The sky lit up for a moment before darkening again. Before anything else could be said the sky opened up and thick drops of rain fell down onto them.

Within just a few moments, they were both soaked through.

Laughing, Harrison pulled her to her feet. “I guess we should start heading home.”

On her feet, she held onto his forearms. Looking up at him, she watched as the thick drops of rain soaked through his hair and poured down his face, settling on his chin and the tip of his nose for just a second before raining off his face.

Reaching up, she wiped at his face. She couldn’t help a giggle from rising from her chest as the rain caused her hair to cling to her face in clumps.

Taking her hands from his face, he held them in his own for a second before slowly turning her around. Harrison started humming out loud, moving Sparrow around, dancing with her as the rain poured heavy around them. She swayed against him as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her back against him.

The dirt had turned to mud under their feet and she could feet the soles of her sneakers losing their grip as they moved together. As her foot slipped, her knees buckled and Harrison’s arms around her held her steady as they laughed.

Sparrow turned around, slipping slightly, holding onto Harrison tightly. He pushed some of the hair back from her forehead as he held her steady.

She slipped again, and when he tried to steady her, they both slid in the mud for a moment before collapsing in a heap on the mud soaked grass.

Laughing, Sparrow looked up at Harrison who was holding himself up over top of her.

Their eyes locked for a moment as Harrison swallowed hard.

Her stomach was like the thin net used to catch butterflies, and it was full. She could feel them flapping around, trying to escape their confines, break free of the net that held them all trapped. The rain water was cold, so was the mud beneath her yet she felt like she was burning up.

Swallowing past the tightness welling in her throat, she tried to pull her eyes away, suggest they go in, dry off, cozy up on the couch with a hot cup of cocoa. Yet she couldn’t get her mouth to work. Her saliva was suddenly like glue, sealing up her throat, preventing her from doing little else but squeeze her tight breaths through.

Opening her mouth to talk, she closed it as Harrison traced her jawline slowly.

Dropping his head, he took her mouth in hers.

It was all a frenzy. Her sensations were being overloaded. She could feel the cool air, the constant drops of water soaking through her clothes, beating on her face and her arms, soaking through the fabric of her sneakers. She could smell the grass as it absorbed all the moisture letting out a fragrance she marveled in. The heat from Harrison was like a hungry fire burning in the hearth on a winter’s day. And his lips…

She felt dizzy from his lips.

 

Something Was Missing

Sparrow looked out the window of her new apartment overlooking Central Park. It was only temporary and she had told Vincent she would pay rent here, which she was sure he would fight her on when the time came.

With a coffee mug in one of her hands, she leaned back against the tan leather chair that face the window. She wasn’t quite ready to sit down. She wanted to see the view, to marvel at the wonder. There was something so beautiful about the park below right now, when inside her chest she felt like something ugly was growing. She needed the balance this view created for her.

Letting out a long sigh, she tugged the hem of her t-shirt down over her lounge shorts and sipped at her coffee.

Her phone vibrated on the small glass table next to the chair she was leaning on.

Glancing back over her shoulder, she read Jake and turned away.

This was at least his dozenth call. She had no intention of answering, she knew exactly what he was calling about. He was calling because when he did finally decide to return to her apartment after sleeping with Brittany, he saw that picture she had taken of the two of them together taped to the front door. It was only the first of many surprises for him. The other surprise was when he opened the door and found the apartment completely void of all furniture and decor. All that she had instructed the movers to leave behind was his clothes, his guitars and the few other things in the whole of the apartment that belonged to him.

He had arrived him at nine in the morning, no doubt returning to take a quick shower and get ready for his shitty job as a barista that supported him while he worked on his music.

Looking back now, she couldn’t help but think Jake had made such a big deal about moving in with her so he could save in the rent. Sparrow owned her own condo, which meant he helped with the small maintenance fee and nothing else. Did he care about her at all, or was she just some stupid girl he had manipulated to get what he wanted?

On the counter was the third surprise he would encounter that morning, she had the movers leave a lease for him to sign. If he wanted to stay there, he was going to have to pay the steep rent that went with living in a condo you didn’t own in downtown Toronto, or he had 30 days to vacate.

She had been sure to own her own home. The money from her mother’s life insurance was a good lump. Not really enough to think she could slack off, but enough to get her a leg up. When her father had passed away when she turned twenty, she had received some money from his insurance as well. It seemed he forgot to take her off his policy just as he had forgotten her.

In the back of her mind she had been afraid that if she had struggled, renting a shitty apartment, clipping coupons and living that kind of lifestyle, she would set off a beacon that would bring Vincent running to her rescue, with Harrison in tow. That thought had terrified her in the beginning, and pushed her to work harder.

Now all that hard work had allowed her to shove it to Jake.

It was petty, and Sparrow was sure that when she wasn’t so close to it all and had some time to process everything, she would feel a little bit guilty. If there was one thing she learned about herself last night, it was she was not someone to be trifled with.

The door to the apartment opened. “Good afternoon, Sparrow.” Vincent, who was the only one who now knew where she was staying strolled into the apartment. He paused before the single steps that led down into the living area she was standing in. Slowly taking in the clothes she clearly slept in, and the messy bun piled atop her head, he nodded to the mug in her hand. “First cup?”

Letting out a long breath, she nodded. “Yes.”

“Taking two flights in less than a day would tire anyone out. You left late afternoon and were back before morning. Anything you want to talk about?”

Sparrow looked back over her shoulder at him. The casual tone and glint in his eyes told her he already knew. “One of these days I am going to figure out how you know everything, Mr. King.”

He winced at the formal way she addressed him. Walking over, he sunk down into the leather chair she was perched on. “You’ll come to learn that money can really buy you anything.”

A light smile spread across her face.

Taking her hand, he pressed a kiss to the back of her hand. “Sometimes people disappoint you. People you love with every piece of yourself, and people you don’t even love at all… the heart always seems to hurt the same.”

“I always felt like something was missing, between Jake and I.” She told him, turning to look out the window at the park.

“Well then you are better off.” he told her.

She nodded. “What about you, Vincent. Was something missing between you and Meredith?”

Groaning, he let out a sigh before taking her mug from her hand and sipping from it. When he had taken his shot of caffeine, he leaned back in the chair. “Not at first. At first she was everything I ever thought I wanted. In a way that was worse. Your heart feels cheated… sorrowful even when it’s experienced all it can and then, little things, things that used to make it skip a beat slowly start disappearing. I guess it would be better to be hungry than have a bite of food. Once you’ve had that bite, you know exactly what you are missing.”

It wasn’t long ago she had written something so similar in her journal. She had felt the love Harrison had given her as her best friend was something even romantic love couldn’t measure up to.

The silence built between them, the two of them passing her mug back and forth as they stared out at the park.

“Harrison doesn’t know about this place.” Vincent said finally. “I acquired this property while he was living with Meredith overseas. You can be confident you won’t have any unexpected visitors. Stay as long as you like, as long as you need.”

Turning, she smiled at him. “Thank you.”

Eyes wide, he looked at her. “Just like that? A simple Thank You with no argument, no bargaining, no telling me what you will pay or that you don’t need my help?”

Her mind had been completely bursting with thoughts from the moment Vincent’s letter arrived in the mail. She had questioned every moment of her life, every character in it. She had painted all these different paths, trying to figure out which one she was walking now and what she was walking towards. Once again she was up on the attic of her mind, sorting through moments like dusty old boxes that had been packed away.

She still had a lot of sorting to do, but she thought she had at least settled on something. “Vincent, I don’t know what made you want to get in touch with me after all this time. It has been ten years since I have seen Harry, the last time we saw one another was at an awkward dinner five years ago when I told you I thought I needed a little bit of space. Harrison seems to think you reached out to me because of his relationship with Rachel. I could tell by the way he looks at me, waiting for me to tell him he has to throw this one to the curb. Rachel and Meredith both think you brought me here to throw a wrench in whatever plan she has cooked up for Harry and his future with Rachel. I have thought about it for a long time. I don’t think you reached out for Harry, or even for me. I think you did it for you. It’s the first thing you’ve done for yourself in a really long time. And what you need right now is for me to say Thank You and not put up too much of a fight. So that is what I am doing.”

He smiled, the deep blue of his eyes lightening slightly. “I always tell people about my daughter and how she has this way of reading people that is just brilliant.”

Sparrow smiled back at him, her heart fluttering at Vincent calling her his daughter once again. She missed him.

 

What’s A Year Worth?

Grabbing her bag off the carousel, Sparrow set it on the floor and pulled up the handle. Rotating her head, she tried to ease some of the tightness in her shoulders and neck from the flight.

She was sure if she had told Vincent she was coming home for a couple days, he would have upgraded her flight to first class, but she didn’t see the point. She didn’t care where she was sitting on the plane as long as she got there at the same time.

The events from the past week had replayed over and over again in her head. The trip had started off so well. She had met with Vincent, they had slipped back into their old old roles and for the first time in ten years she felt like herself again. Since she left that condo downtown, the one she had shared with Vincent and Harrison, she felt like she had been wearing a mask, hiding who she was from everyone she met.

Dressing up and going to that event with Vincent had been fun too. She had been light headed, grabbing flute after flute of champagne from passing trays. Her belly had been full of finger sandwiches, and shrimps and other things she wasn’t even sure what they were, but she had taken handfuls of.

It was like when you were a child and you pretended to be an astronaut or a doctor. She was pretending to be a woman of mystery. It was thrilling.

After that night, everything seemed to slowly fall apart. Harrison had appeared and he had brought with him the woman in his life. Both of which she could have gone without the added stress of having in her life.

Pulling her phone out of her pocket, she switched the Airplane Mode off.

As soon as she did, her phone vibrated. Notification after notification popped up on her phone. She waited a moment, letting them all load before scrolling through them. There were a few missed calls from Vincent, some text messages from him as well. One of her apps let her know Jake had checked-in at her favourite bar down the street from her apartment.

She could use a drink. She would drop her bags off at home and head over to the bar to surprise him.

*

There was a live band tonight.

Standing outside the bar, she pushed her hair back behind her shoulder and pulled down the hem of her fitted black dress. She had taken the time to freshen up when she had gotten home. Hopped in the shower, put on some mascara, wiggled into the dress she knew Jake loved so she could surprise him.

The bouncer, a guy named Mike who she knew because she had frequented this place often looked her up and down and smiled. “Stop fussing, you look amazing.”

Sparrow smiled. “Thanks Mike. Did you see Jake tonight?”

He nodded, adjusting the toothpick in his mouth. “I saw him go in with a group about an hour ago. The work crowd, I think.”

She knew the crowd. There were a lot of nights where she was one in that crowd. They waved at one another as she walked past him inside.

The temperature difference from outside to in was drastic. She could feel the heat from all the bodies loaded in there, the way they moved around, bumping together at the bar. It felt like she was walking into a heat wave.

Despite the heeled booties she was wearing, she stood on her tip-toes to look around the room, trying to catch a glimpse of him. Pushing her way through the mass of people enjoying both their drinks and the band, she made her way to lean over the bar. Smiling at the woman behind the bar, she waited for her to walk over and pour her the usual tequila shot she started her nights with here. “Hey Jill, have you seen Jake tonight?”

Jill tilted her head back towards the hall leading towards the bathrooms. “I saw him heading back to the johns a few minutes ago.”

Tossing the shot back, she winked at her before walking back towards the bathrooms. Pausing for a moment, she scrunched the hair at the back of her head. With everything that happened in the past week, she felt like she hadn’t seen Jake in a really long time. She needed some normalcy in her life.

Turning the corner, she stood in the hall outside of the bathrooms. She was hoping he would come out and she would be the first thing he saw.

In the dimly lit hallway, there were a handful of couples pressed up against the wall. Their arms were wrapped around one another as the alcohol coursed through their veins and their hormones were ramped up. Something about the music and the dim lighting, scantily clad people all standing a little too close.

She definitely understood.

A few of the couples seemed to pull apart, deciding they wanted to step everything up and didn’t want an audience. The last couple left were in the far corner. When he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her up off the floor against him, Sparrow couldn’t help but raise a brow. It was like a car crash, you didn’t want to look, but you couldn’t quite look away. As the woman wrapped her legs more tightly around him, she dropped her head to devour his neck.

Closing his eyes, he let his head fall back.

Jake.

Sparrow was frozen in place for a split second before she turned around so her back was to them. Jake was lifting his co-worker Brittany off the ground. Her skirt was barely covering the bottom of her ass cheeks and if Sparrow didn’t know any better she would bet they were actually having sex right now.

A storm of emotions went through her. A part of her wanted to march over there, grab Brittany by the hair and punch Jake with all her strength.

But she wasn’t that kind of person…

Pulling her phone out of her purse, she took a picture of the two of them.

Turning around, she quickly left the bar and made her way back to her apartment. Sitting on the arm of her couch, she punched a number into her phone and made some arrangements.

Going into her room, she repacked a bag, printed out the photo and taped it to her apartment door before heading to the airport.

The Nest She Built

Love is this weird thing. It was something most people thought they understood and knew, but very few people actually did either.

For most of your life you are trapped behind this window of what you think love is supposed to be, and you look over over the world through this glass of judgement, wondering why so many people are getting it wrong.
In your eyes, when you don’t know what it is, love is comparable. You feel love a certain way from one person and if every other person you know doesn’t love you exactly that way, then they’re doing it wrong. After that one person loves you, love is always supposed to be kisses in the rain, and waking up with a smile to the smell of coffee being waved under your nose. It’ll always be talking until you fall asleep, never sleeping alone, and never feeling alone. Love will always be what it was, or what you remember later…

Sparrow jumped as arms moved around her waist. She slammed the brown leather cover of her journal closed as the familiar smell washed over her. “Hey.” She smiled, but it felt forced. “I didn’t hear you come in.”
He laughed. “Really? I fought with the lock on your front door for ten minutes. You should really let me fix it.”
She laughed awkwardly as she turned around in her desk chair to face him.
Raising a brow, he looked past her. “What are you up to?”
Pursing her lips, Sparrow pushed her hair back behind her ears. “Nothing. Just winding down. I was out all day.”
He nodded. “I know. I texted you about a dozen times.”
Reaching into her purse that was thrown on the bench by the window, she pulled it out and waved it between them. “I keep forgetting to charge it.”
Jake sat down in the chair in the corner and looked at her. He swept his chestnut hair back from over his forehead and looked at her with his hazel eyes for a moment before dragging his hand over the stubble on his chin. “I don’t know what the point in having a cellphone is, if no one can ever reach you.”
Nodding, she smiled at him. “Alright.” Reaching for the cord plugged in beside her desk, she plugged it in. When it chimed to let her know it was charging, she raised her brows at him. “You’ll be able to reach me for a full 24 hours.”
Sighing, Jakes eyes went back to the book on her desk. “What are you writing?”
“Just journaling.” She answered nonchalantly, reaching under her journal to push the envelope under and out of view.
He looked at her. “Since when do you journal?”
Sparrow had been with Jake for over a year. She felt like they had a lot in common and at first she had just been happy for the companionship. He treated her well, he took her out, they had an open line of communication, yet she always felt like something was missing. In the back of her mind, she wondered if she was already spoiled, tainted for any man that was foolish enough to walk into her life.
Jake was a catch… every one she knew had told her so.
“I don’t really. Just thought I’d start.” It was a lie she wasn’t sure why she was telling. The truth was she journaled regularly. She found comfort in a place where she could sort through her thoughts. It had all started when she was younger. When she had been taken in by Vincent, her whole world seemed to be crumbling around her and coping seemed impossible. She didn’t know Vincent well enough to fall into him when the world slipped out from under her feet. Seeing she had so much pent up inside her, he had suggested a journal.
Jake raised a brow. “Anything worth reading in there?” His lips turned up into a soft smile.
Shaking her head, she walked past him. Grabbing onto his hand, she pulled him out of her study. “I am starving, let’s go eat.”
She wasn’t starving. The truth was she had eaten only a few hours ago and had eaten a whole chocolate bar only minutes before he got in.
Her stomach was wrapped up in knots. She could see the envelope so clearly in her mind, could see the familiar handwriting on the front, centred perfectly.
No return address, there was no need. She knew who it was from, knew any details would be inside.
It had been awhile since she had gotten a letter like this one.
Clearing her throat, she tried to push it out of her mind as she shoved her feet into shoes, picked up her bag and held the door open for a stumbling Jake to hurry through.
What could he want after all this time?

.

Sparrow held the worn envelope she had hidden under her journal that day in her hand now. Leaning against the wall in the elevator, she thought about Jake, about the discussion she had with him right before she had left.

He had been hesitant about her going away, even a bit angry when she had told him she didn’t know how long she would be gone. She had softened the blow slightly by assuring him she was still in this relationship with him. That had caused him to bring up moving in together again…

Feeling backed into a wall, she had agreed and it had dissolved some of the doubt that was growing between them.

Letting out a long sigh, she walked out of the elevator on her floor and down the hall into her hotel room.

Tossing her purse across the room, she ignored it when she missed the bed and it fell to the floor on the other side. Leaning against the door, she jumped at the knock.

All she wanted to do was get completely undressed and sink into a bath. Vincent was busy all day, so she knew it wasn’t him, and she wasn’t really open to seeing anyone else now.

Pulling the door open, she couldn’t help but let out a long sigh as she looked at the pristinely prepped woman standing there in high waisted white trousers and a button down tank, also white. Pushing her lush blonde hair over her shoulder, she looked at Sparrow and forced a smile. “Can we talk?”

Leaning against the door, Sparrow closed the door slightly and looked at the woman standing there. “Rachel… I really don’t think this is a good idea. Look, you come in here and we talk, that opens this door to Harrison coming over here to ask me what I have been talking to you about and the last thing I want is to have to open this door to Harrison. I have worked really hard to close the doors in my life on Harrison King.” She couldn’t help the exhaustion from dripping into her voice.

Rachel held her hand out to Sparrow, hoping to stop her from saying anything else. “Please. I will talk fast, I swear.”

She shook her head. “How fast you talk really isn’t the problem. I just don’t want to get involved in whatever is going on between the two of you. I have my own stuff going on here. I am just here to spend time with Vincent, then I am going home, back to my life, my house, my job, and my boyfriend. I don’t want to take Harrison back with me, or Meredith… or you.”

Crossing her arms over her chest, she stuck her nose up at Sparrow. “Meredith was right about you, do you know that? You honestly can’t give me five minute? What kind of person can’t spare five minutes?”

Sparrow couldn’t help but feel like there was an enormous weight pushing down on her. Everything about this trip seemed to be blowing up in her face. She had run into Harrison more times than she ever would have wanted, now she was in the middle of his relationship. She was starting to feel like she needed a break from all of this. “Rachel, I don’t know you. Why do you feel I need to give you any of my time?”

“You know Harrison better than anyone.”

“I knew him. It’s been ten years… I don’t know Harrison any better than you do at this point.” She reached her hand up and pressed it to her forehead that was beginning to throb.

“I don’t know what your problem is. Vincent and Harrison gave you everything. Harrison gave up a lot of years with Meredith to be with you, and you just walked away from everything.” The look in her eyes was one she had seen before. “Then you just show up. Just when Harrison and I are beginning to get serious. Meredith thinks you are trying to get between us, and I think she is right.” She let her eyes roam all the way down to Sparrow’s feet before slowly returning her gaze to her eyes. “You don’t fit in with the Kings. You never did, and you never will. I belong there…”

Sparrow nodded. “I am sure you do, Rachel.”

She scoffed. “You really are something.”

Throwing her hands back, she pushed at her cheeks with her hands. She was beginning to feel like she was on some Japanese game show, this was all just so unbelievable to her. “Okay, I think I have had enough of this…” Sparrow slowly closed the door before locking it.

Walking slowly to the bed, she sat down. Staring at the door, she wondered if Rachel was still standing there on the other side. Sighing, she picked up the phone and waited for the lobby. “Hi, I’d like to check out. Yes. Right away please.”

She needed to get out of here.

She needed to go home, back where things made sense so she could catch her breath.

A Gilded Cage

Racing out of the elevator, Harrison and Sparrow dropped their bags and froze.

Meredith King was sitting on the couch across the room, her eyes intent on them as an unnatural smile spread across her face. Slowly getting to her feet, she slowly opened her arms to them, the golden bangles on her wrists rattling around. “Harrison love, come on over.”

Harrison walked over, wrapping his arms around her. “Mom. What are you doing here? I didn’t know you were coming.”

Holding him away from her, Meredith admired his face, pushing his hair back from his face as she smiled at him. “I just missed you so much, I couldn’t stay away. I detest you living here, in Toronto. I really do wish you would come home with me.”

Smiling up at him, he said nothing. He was tired of the same conversation. It was one he had with his mother every night on the phone, every couple of weeks when she came to visit him and literally every moment she could add it to the conversation.

We were older now, and he had been living here in this apartment with Vincent and I for four years. We would both be going to high school in a couple years, and Harrison seemed more determined to stay now than ever.

Meredith’s anger towards Vincent for convincing Harrison to stay was painstakingly evident. Her visits usually had her on edge, unaware if she would be able to finally take Harrison back with her this time.

Sparrow stood awkwardly on the top of the steps, looking at the two of them together. In a way, she couldn’t blame Meredith for her persistence. A mother should desperately want her son with her. Yet, Harrison at times was all she had to keep her from floating away, and imagining her life without him made her ache.

Looking past Harrison, Meredith eyed Sparrow. “And how is our little…” she paused looking for the right word, knowing full well if she came at her with her talons out it would only push Harrison away. “Girl.” She settled with the obvious and simple word.

Nodding and smiling at her politely, she took in a long breath before answering. “I’ve been well.”

“Of course you have been, dear. Look at this apartment, it is far better than any group home of foster family you would have been shipped off to after-”

“Mom.” Harrison intervened.

It was for these very jabs, that Sparrow had always seen Meredith as villainous. “Vincent takes very good care of me.” She said, unwilling to argue with her.

“I often wonder if he could take better care of you if Harrison was home with me. Then he could just give you all his attention, focus more on your schooling and grooming.”

“She’s already skipped ahead a grade. She is in the same class as me. We both do very well.” Harrison told her.

Meredith curled her nose slightly, then remembering herself, smiled down at Harrison. “Well, that’s wonderful to hear.”

No longer wanted to stand there and speak to Meredith, Sparrow picked up her bag. “I am just going to go and get started on my homework.” She said.

“I thought we were going to work on it together.”

She shook her head. “No, you should spend time with your mother. She did come all this way to see you.” She gave Meredith a faint smile before walking down the hall and into her room. As she closed the door behind her, she pressed her back to it, praying to whoever would listen that Meredith’s stay would be short this time.

A few hours later her bedroom door opened. She looked up from the desk by her bedroom window and saw Vincent close the door behind him, letting out a long breath. “Can I hide in here with you?” He whispered.

Sparrow laughed. “I could use the company.”

Holding up a brown paper bag, he smiled at her. “I brought food. We could wait out her whole trip if we wanted to.” He joked. Walking over, he sat in the large circle chair in the corner of her room. Opening the bag, he put some of the contents on her teal bedside table. “Was she mean to you?” He asked her.

Saying yes would mean he would get up, march out there and confront Meredith. He would tell her he wasn’t welcome in their home if she behaved that way. She loved and respected Vincent too much to have him do that for her… again. Instead, she pushed away and walked over to sit on the floor next to her bed across from him. “No. She was pleasant enough.”

He looked at her for a long while as he opened his Chinese food container trying to judge whether or not she was lying with him. After a few moments and a knowing look, he offered her the carton. “What should we watch?” He asked her, flipping the television across the room on.

After a few hours, full bellies and some reality television, the braved sneaking out of the room to spend some time with Meredith and Harrison.

Joining them on the couch, Vincent gave Meredith a harsh glare. “What have the two of you been up to?” He asked them.

“Harrison here has just been singing Sparrow’s praises. It seems like he is quite taken with her. Good grades, great manners, funny, ambitious.” She raised a brow at the little girl sitting next to Vincent. “It seems you are raising her right.”

Vincent shook his head. “She was like this when we met her,” He gave her shoulders a squeeze. “She really is amazing, isn’t she Harrison?”

Harrison smiled over at her. “She is the best! We both love her.”

Meredith looked at Harrison, surprised.

Sparrow could see the cogs in Meredith’s mind turning. Harrison’s affection for Sparrow made his mother ridiculously uncomfortable. She thought where Sparrow came from made her unworthy of her son’s time. She was trying to think of a way to sway him, to drive him back home and away from Vincent and Sparrow. “She does seem rather spectacular. She seems to be the only girl you’ve taken to.”

“Harrison and Sparrow are very close.” Vincent said to her, his words cautious.

“Who knows. Maybe in a few more years Sparrow will have grandmother’s ring on her finger.” She wiggled her eyebrows at Harrison before smiling at Sparrow. “Wouldn’t that just be something?”

Vincent crossed his arms over his chest, but said nothing.

Lifting his shoulders, Harrison looked at Sparrow.

Clapping his hands together, Vincent got to his feet. “Maybe we should all go out and do something. Meredith did come all this way, I’m sure she wants to see more than this apartment. Where should we take her, Harrison?”

“Our favourite place?”

Sparrow beamed. “Our favourite place!”

Meredith smiled. “Where to? The movies? A ball game? A museum maybe?”

Vincent undid his tie and smiled at her, a genuine smile that went from ear to ear. “Paint-balling.”