Are we not all butterflies?
The question repeated itself over and over and over again in her head. Like the drone of melodic elevator music, something you could hear but your brain refuses to completely pay attention to. The question was there on loop, the only line on a massive record that turned round and round with no end.
When she was a very little girl she had sat in front of the mirror in her bedroom. Her Pyjamas were old and worn a few buttons were missing at the bottom of her top so it didn’t close all the way and the smooth skin of her belly was slightly exposed as she sat there. The bottoms of her pants were frayed slightly at the back from a time when they were too big and had dragged behind her on the floor. Now they were too small, exposing the thin, knobby bones of her ankles when she stood.
Staring at herself, she tried to ignore the sounds of banging and breaking outside her room. It was as though her world outside of this room was crumbling and all she could do was wait until it calmed enough for her to go out and assess the ruin.
Reaching her small hand out, she touched her finger to the glass, tracing the outline of her face. She ignored the wafting scent of whiskey and regret that seemed to always be present in their small townhouse, and tried for a moment to imagine the scent of fresh plants and blooming flowers as she inches along the length of a branch, so high up nothing could touch her.
She was still a caterpillar.
Her parents too, were caterpillars.
That thought had been a comforting embrace to her. If they were still caterpillars, that meant that eventually they would become butterflies. When they were butterflies, they would be better.
As chaos raged outside her room, she climbed into bed and closed her eyes, dreaming of the day they would all become butterflies.
Her childhood was held steady by the promise of a world filled with butterflies.
As a woman, she had abandoned the dream that everyone transformed into this beautiful thing. Leaving what was ugly about them behind in a cocoon as they became all they could be.
Sometimes she still thought of people as caterpillars though.
Meredith was an arrogant caterpillar. She was colourful, and beautiful but she was venomous and refused to believe there was anything better than what she was. Rachel seemed to be the same as her. Jake was also a caterpillar.
If there was someone in her life that she could believe without any doubt was a butterfly, it was Vincent. He seemed to be the best version of himself. He was as beautiful as he could possibly be, she couldn’t imagine growing into something more wonderful.
She only wished she felt like she was even close to becoming a butterfly.
She was twenty-nine years old. She had just broken up with a guy who had been the only serious relationship she had in her life. She had practically fled from Toronto to live in New York so she could spend time with the only person who seemed like they wanted anything to do with her; Vincent King.
Walking through the middle of Central Park, she watched all the people hurry along. Walking over to the grass, she lied down on her back and looked up at the sky, her arm folded under her head.
Closing her eyes for a moment, she let her mind slip away from her, floating up towards the clouds above.
There was a bit of a chill in the air, one that most people would have thought was refreshing after the scorching afternoon they had. The smell of promise floated through the air, it made goosebumps cover her flesh with happy anticipation.
It was going to rain soon.
Sparrow smiled, looking around the grassy field of the school yard. It was just after nine o’clock, so it had been hours since any of the kids that went here were in this school yard. Sitting down on the grass, she leaned back, supporting her weight on her arms as she waited.
“Sparrow.”
Turning to look behind her, she watched as Harrison walked towards her. His stride was slow, his eyes glued to her.
Puberty was changing them both, she noted. Harrison’s shoulders had broadened, his chest had seemed more toned, just like his arms that she could see now coming out of the sleeves of his t-shirt. His thighs seemed to fill out the legs of his slim cut jeans.
Dropping down to sit next to her, he threw his arm over her shoulder and pulled her into him. “Have you been waiting long?”
Leaning into him, she burrowed her cheek into his chest and let out a long sigh. “Not long at all.”
They sat there for a long while in silence, just enjoying one another’s company. Harrison’s body heat seemed to combat the chill in the air. Tilting her head up, she looked up at the greying sky. “It’s going to rain. Do you want to head home?”
Slowly shaking his head, he let out another sigh. “No, let’s stay awhile.”
Meredith was visiting them again. The tension in their apartment was almost unbearable. The forced smiles and division between everyone was beginning to take their toll on them.
Vincent was using himself as a shield to protect Sparrow from Meredith’s talons, Meredith was trying to pull Harrison away from Sparrow and Vincent and Harrison was just trying to keep the peace. The stress was mounting and adding that to the puberty the both of them were already going through made her feel like she was close to pulling her hair out.
“This is nice.” She wrapped her arm around his waist.
Thunder boomed overhead. The sky lit up for a moment before darkening again. Before anything else could be said the sky opened up and thick drops of rain fell down onto them.
Within just a few moments, they were both soaked through.
Laughing, Harrison pulled her to her feet. “I guess we should start heading home.”
On her feet, she held onto his forearms. Looking up at him, she watched as the thick drops of rain soaked through his hair and poured down his face, settling on his chin and the tip of his nose for just a second before raining off his face.
Reaching up, she wiped at his face. She couldn’t help a giggle from rising from her chest as the rain caused her hair to cling to her face in clumps.
Taking her hands from his face, he held them in his own for a second before slowly turning her around. Harrison started humming out loud, moving Sparrow around, dancing with her as the rain poured heavy around them. She swayed against him as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her back against him.
The dirt had turned to mud under their feet and she could feet the soles of her sneakers losing their grip as they moved together. As her foot slipped, her knees buckled and Harrison’s arms around her held her steady as they laughed.
Sparrow turned around, slipping slightly, holding onto Harrison tightly. He pushed some of the hair back from her forehead as he held her steady.
She slipped again, and when he tried to steady her, they both slid in the mud for a moment before collapsing in a heap on the mud soaked grass.
Laughing, Sparrow looked up at Harrison who was holding himself up over top of her.
Their eyes locked for a moment as Harrison swallowed hard.
Her stomach was like the thin net used to catch butterflies, and it was full. She could feel them flapping around, trying to escape their confines, break free of the net that held them all trapped. The rain water was cold, so was the mud beneath her yet she felt like she was burning up.
Swallowing past the tightness welling in her throat, she tried to pull her eyes away, suggest they go in, dry off, cozy up on the couch with a hot cup of cocoa. Yet she couldn’t get her mouth to work. Her saliva was suddenly like glue, sealing up her throat, preventing her from doing little else but squeeze her tight breaths through.
Opening her mouth to talk, she closed it as Harrison traced her jawline slowly.
Dropping his head, he took her mouth in hers.
It was all a frenzy. Her sensations were being overloaded. She could feel the cool air, the constant drops of water soaking through her clothes, beating on her face and her arms, soaking through the fabric of her sneakers. She could smell the grass as it absorbed all the moisture letting out a fragrance she marveled in. The heat from Harrison was like a hungry fire burning in the hearth on a winter’s day. And his lips…
She felt dizzy from his lips.